The “Club” no one wants to be a member of…

About a month ago a family we know lost a child. This young man was a model citizen, student, and family member. His short life was filled with success and his future filled with so much promise. While I don’t know the family very well, I think about them often. Losing a child comes with an automatic enrollment into a club no one wants to be a part of. I know this, because I am a member of that same club.

When something like this happens, I, like many of you, wonder to myself, “how can I help, how can I support this person or family?” I am sure almost all of this family’s closest friends have wondered the same thing. The purpose of this post is to share some ways all of us can help. These are things that have certainly helped my family. 

You can do no wrong, generally speaking. You love this person, you come from a good place, it may not always feel like your “help” and/or “support” is appreciated, but it is. If you truly want to help, find a way. Too often we tell ourselves, “they don’t want to see me,” and/or “they just want to be left alone, “ etc. Unless you are planning on moving in with them, this is not true. Remember, you come from a good place, you care about this family, doing something is better than doing nothing.

You can’t fix it or explain it, don’t try. Telling someone about god’s plan, isn’t helpful. Imagine, you lose your child and someone tells you, “well you know, this is all a part of god’s plan,” or - and even better, “god only selects the best parents for these situations,” and finally, “god never gives us something we can’t handle.” Spiritual people need their god more than ever in times like this, don’t potentially alienate them from their god by telling them their god chose this for them. Whether you believe these things to be true or not, they are absolutely not helpful and do nothing but open the possibility of them driving out the very thing they may need most.

Make yourself visible. You don’t have to say anything, in fact when in doubt, don’t say anything at all. Be there, be ready to listen. Simply let them know, you’re thinking about them. Never fear sharing a positive story or memory about their lost loved one. As most of the parents reading this know, hearing a positive story or memory about one’s child from someone else is what it sounds like when angels sing, it evokes the same joy you feel when hearing an infant laugh, or the warmness you feel when your child tells you they love you. A parent who has lost a child will never forget that child, there’s comfort in knowing others remember too.

This family will likely never be the same, yes, they will learn to live with the unimaginable, but it will change them for life.  There will never be another day, where they don’t long for a different circumstance, wonder what if, if only, etc. I still go to the cemetery 3-4 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. Now, very often on those visits I pass the newest member of the club no one wants to be a member of.